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by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
My husband and I have been married for many years but over the last 10 years I've been really growing in my faith. My husband, on the other hand, seems no further along in his Christian walk than he was 10 years ago. He thinks and hopes there is a God, but doesn't desire a real relationship with Jesus. He considers himself to be a "good person" (which he is) and hopes he'll get to heaven because of that. I've tried to sit down and explain salvation to him, but he just doesn't get it.
I've been praying for him for many years. When he does go to church with me, I get so upset by his whole attitude. I'm ready to tell him to just stay home if he doesn't really want to go. It's putting a wedge between us in what is otherwise a very good marriage. I'm always hoping and praying that one of these Sundays when he's at church, something will happen in his spirit. So I try "dragging" him along once a month or so when I can get him there. But it’s so hard. Any advice you have would be appreciated.
You need to stop trying so hard and release him to God. God can and will work in his life when your husband is ready. None of us can make somebody ready or make someone change. Your husband has to see the need and has to seek after God. Prayer is your most effective weapon. You are angry because he isn't living up to your expectations. You need to let go of the expectations and give him an unconditional, forgiving love. It's not easy because you want him to be the spiritual leader in the home. You want him to enjoy the depth of relationship with Christ that you do. But he isn't, and the more you try to push him to be that way, the more he may resist.
First of all, you are disappointed and sad and that's ok. But, don't be angry. Be understanding. He is not a Christian if he believes that he will get to heaven by his good works. So, he is blind to spiritual things. He is lost. You can love him the way Christ loved you. The way Christ loved the prodigal son. He let him go his own way, suffer the consequences and then, celebrated when he came home (repented).
Your husband needs Christ and you know that. But, he needs your unconditional love to draw him to Christ. Since he is an unbeliever, you need to view him with God's perspective. He does not understand nor identify with your experience. He is lost. Love the lost man in your house to Christ.
Spend time with him enjoying the things he likes to do and enjoying your relationship. Weep when you pray for him. Continue to grow in Christ and realize that Christ loves him and will in due time answer your prayers.
It is not a mistake that you married him and have such a heart to win him to Christ. The 1 Peter 3 verses talk about winning your husband over through submission, purity (character), reverence (worship of God) and a gentle spirit. God loves to answer the fervent prayers of a righteous man/woman (James 5:16-18). Don't give up! And keep asking for prayer from some of your Christian friends who really care.
People don't come to Christ when "'we want them to". They come as they are drawn to Christ through the Holy Spirit and seek after God with all their heart. Dwell on 1 Corinthians 13. Your husband is your main ministry and needs your love and prayers though he resists and acts like he doesn't need it.
God bless you in your journey! He has big plans for you and your family.
~ Lynette J. Hoy , NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor and National Certified Counselor, author and speaker. She is the Executive Chair of the Chicagoland CBWC: Connecting Business Women to Christ organization. Lynette is co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. providing online & office counseling for individuals, couples and families. Lynette regularly presents marriage, assertiveness, grief and divorce recovery, anger and stress management seminars. You can read her story online.
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Read Lynette Hoy’s book, What’s Good About Anger? It can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com.
Visit Mrs. Hoy’s other sites: www.counselcareconnection.org/pages/Lay-Counseling.html; www.counselcareconnection.org ; www.lifecareweb.com.
