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Print Q & A with Dave & Donalyn Currie
Our teenage daughter just told us that she's pregnant. Our hearts are broken. How can we show her that we still love her and give her the support she needs when we are so disappointed?
What initially strikes us is that the focus seems to be on the parents' disappointment. While it's understandable that you are seriously hurt by her poor decisions, you need to address the nature of your disappointment. Is it about your needs and your image, or is it genuinely about her loss? If your frustration is more about you, you've got to move beyond that.
Don’t reprimand her out of your frustration. As you interact with your daughter, try to restrain the disappointment you feel. Understand that she is likely already stressed, scared, ashamed and possibly depressed. Now is not the time to put extra strain on her life, and on your relationship. Rather, commend her for being honest with you, telling you about the problem, and not having dealt with it through an abortion. She needs your sympathy, and your love, in spite of the poor choices that she has made. Deal with the regrets (both hers and yours), help her understand God's love and her need to repent and be forgiven, and then move on as a family.
Confirm to your daughter that nothing that she has done will make God, or you as parents, quit loving her. This applies as well if you have a son who is responsible for getting a young girl pregnant.
A difficult thing to try to gain perspective on is that despite the precarious beginnings of this child's life, the baby is still an incredible gift from God. God has allowed the baby to be conceived and born into this world at this time. It is not easy, but it's essential that you begin to move past the disappointing circumstances and celebrate this new life. As a Mom, choose to use this time to bond with your daughter, by telling her what your pregnancy with her was like. It's critical that you help her understand the feelings she's going to have, the changes taking place in her body and the anticipation of being a mother.
It's very important to remember that God often uses these poor choices that we make, and brings something beautiful out of them. In many cases, God allows these difficult things for our own good. We don't want to miss the blessing. Parents, don't let your embarrassment cause you to lose the joy of caring for your daughter at this time, or to miss an opportunity that God may have for your family.
God redeems difficult situations. He's the God of second chances. He's the God of recovery. Help your daughter see that God's love is there for her. Remember it's never too late for anyone to start doing things right, to start doing things God's way. Be patient with your daughter as you pray for her, but let her know that your love and support of her is unconditional.
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~ Dr. Dave Currie is the national director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in British Columbia, Canada and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing on NOW TV.
