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by Jan Coates
"Elaine, hide under the bed and don't move," her mother whispered.
Elaine crawled under the bed and peeked out from under the bedspread. In horror, she saw her father drag her mother by the hair from the bedroom. Her mother's screams punctuated the early morning peace. Elaine clapped her hands over her ears to block out the sound. How she wished she could save her mother.
The only escape Elaine found from a brutal father who ran with hoodlums was the TV shows of the '50s, Father Knows Best and Leave It to Beaver. Only on these shows did Elaine learn about a kinder and gentler world outside the four walls where she lived. She couldn't count the times she dreamed of a dad who loved his family and a mom who was safe in his presence.
She knew the reason the kids at school never invited her to their home to play. The kids talked behind her back, calling her "the daughter of evil." This Deep South community knew her dad well. Word spread quickly about his gambling, stealing, and corruption.
Sadly, everyone from schoolmates to neighbors feared Elaine's dad. One day neighbors watched in disbelief as eleven-year-old Elaine got behind the wheel of their big, fancy car and drove her mother, who had been hit by a bullet, to the hospital. They saw the tragedy playing out in the house many other times, as well, but instead of helping, they hid inside their own houses in fear.
One afternoon a pastor from a community church met Elaine's father, Allen, in the drugstore. The two struck up a polite conversation. Pastor John remembered Allen as one of his basketball students from his coaching days. He had prayed for this troubled young man for many years, even before he heard the rumors all over town.
Just as the two were about to part company, Pastor John asked, "Allen, would you let our church bus pick up Elaine to join us for Vacation Bible School?"
Allen reluctantly agreed, but he told the pastor not to get out of the bus when he picked her up. Making certain the pastor understood the gravity of the situation, Allen cursed, then said, "Don't start that church business with me--ever. Don't ever step foot on my property, and never mention God to me. Got it?"
Later, Elaine's father took Elaine and her mother aside and told them what he'd said to the pastor. He pointed a loaded gun at Elaine's head, gritted his teeth, and said, "If you tell one secret at that church, your mother will be dead."
Unfortunately Elaine knew he meant it. He had shot people for much less. Even people who befriended her sometimes disappeared off the face of the earth.
For years Elaine had walked by the pastor's church on her way to the store to get bread and milk. She had peeked into the windows and stared with wonder at the statue of a gentle man wearing a long robe. He stood barefooted with arms outstretched and, curiously, had a ring of thorns sitting on his head.
The day after her father threatened her, wide-eyed Elaine eagerly jumped off the bus and stood right outside the church, gazing at the same statue. Tears slid down her face and she couldn't stop them. Other kids walked by as if they didn't even notice her.
Pastor John quietly waited behind her until she wiped her tears. He whispered to her, "Remember, Elaine, Jesus loves you." She then turned, sniffed, and looked up at him. He gently grasped her hand and they walked through the church doors and into a large room where children were singing.
The words rang out and touched Elaine's heart. "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." Years later the words to this song would resonate in Elaine's heart and soul.
Claiming our new identity
"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God--children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God."--John 1:12–13
For years family, friends, and teachers called Elaine the "daughter of evil." As mentioned in chapter one, Elaine's biological father earned his reputation of a gangster. He viciously beat his wife, children, and anyone who got in his way. Elaine saw the evil, she experienced it, and she lived in fear of it. In her heart she felt as though she was, indeed, "a daughter of evil."
Elaine says, "One day men from my father's crowd grabbed me from my swing set. They took me to an abandoned house where several men drank and laughed at me. They tied my hands behind me and seemed to be waiting for something.
"'This will teach your mother not to mess around with your dad,' one of the men said, then cursed. He belched in my face and his breath reeked of alcohol. 'Girl, you're not even safe in your own backyard.'
"I knew Mama would be hysterical when Dad told her I was most likely kidnapped and lying dead in some ditch. I wanted to pray silently, but an abrasive voice interrupted.
"'Hey, little girl, your mother thinks you're dead.' The man's penetrating blue eyes seemed cold and hard as steel." Elaine knew the man was right. Her mother would think the worst--that she was dead.
Like most street-wise kids living with violence on a daily basis, Elaine learned at an early age that in order to survive she had to make safety and security a way of life. She knew better than to make eye contact with the men. She closed her eyes, trying hard not to listen to what they said. But when the cold-as-steel man spoke, Elaine trembled.
"You know, this kid kind of looks like her old man. Let's just hope she's got his guts and spirit," he said.
"My deepest fear was that I would grow up to be like my dad. Many people commented on our family resemblance, and some even said I had his strength. Many times when Dad beat me, I hoped he would kill me. Being dead would be better than growing up to be like him.
"Later, the phone rang and I heard someone say, 'Kid, your dad said your mother has learned her lesson. You can go home now.'
"At the doorway of our house I saw Mama. Her face was bruised and her eyes red from crying."
Sometimes Elaine felt like two persons. One was unwillingly dragged into a dark, horror-filled world--a world she feared she would inherit because of her father. The other met Jesus at Vacation Bible School where she memorized John 3:16 and learned "Jesus Loves Me." Deep down, underneath the fear and terror in her life, Elaine found a glimmer of hope in Jesus.
Recognizing the battle for identities
What Elaine experienced is called spiritual warfare. Satan and his evil-filled agents battle constantly over the possession of our hearts. Satan hates our God. He hates Jesus. He hates us. Evil principalities want us to be victims of our past. The last thing they want is for us to victoriously claim our identities as daughters of Christ.
A. W. Tozer sheds light on dealing with spiritual warfare: "The scriptural way to see things is to set the Lord always before us, put Christ in the center of our vision, and if Satan is lurking around he will appear on the margin only and be seen as but a shadow on the edge of the brightness."
Friends, always remember we're children of God and forever daughters of Christ.
Elaine's battle--spiritual warfare between Satan and God--intensified one day when she walked into the bathroom and saw her mother vomiting into the toilet.
Her mother, visibly shaken, said, "Elaine, your father is going to go through the roof. I'm pregnant. You'll have to sleep over at your friend's tonight so I can tell him."
"I felt wanted and safe at my friend's house. They always prayed before supper, and her father always ended his prayer 'In Jesus' name.' I liked that.
"The next morning my friend's mother awakened me. 'Elaine, something terrible has happened. Your mother is in the hospital. Get dressed and I'll drive you over there.'
"When I entered the hospital room I saw Pastor John praying beside her bed. My grandmother held her hand.
"'Is my mommy dead?' I asked.
"'No, but she's in bad shape,' said Pastor John. 'Let's pray for her.'
"I couldn't pray. I just sobbed. Grandma and Pastor John prayed through the day, never leaving Mama's bedside.
"On the way home with Grandma, I silently thanked Jesus because Mama was still alive.
"Grandma spoke softly as she drove. 'Honey, last night your mother fought fiercely for her life. We don't know all the details yet, but your dad was killed.'
"I felt empty inside. I stared at the windshield and, once more, saw in my mind the statue of Jesus. It was the same statue that stood in the church window where I once attended Vacation Bible School with Pastor John. I felt safe thinking of Jesus."
Elaine's mother miscarried and remained in a coma for two weeks. After a month she finally returned home.
Declaring our true identities
Several months later Elaine and her family moved to New Mexico, where they began to rebuild their lives. Elaine's grandmother lived with the family. Elaine's mother reestablished her nursing career while her grandmother took care of the home. She unselfishly cared for Elaine, cooking hot meals every night and reading Bible stories before bed. She attended school functions with Elaine, and on Sundays they walked to church together, where Elaine later met Jack.
For the first time in her life, Elaine felt safe and secure while in the company of a man. Jack was unlike most men she knew from her past. Jack, a premed student with a devout dedication to Christ, treated Elaine with gentleness and love. Jack's compassionate family cooked Sunday dinners for Elaine and her grandmother. They freely shared their love, welcoming them into their Christian home.
After Elaine's high school graduation, her grandmother sewed her wedding dress and helped prepare the young bride for her new future with Jack. While in premarital counseling, the pastor uncovered some of Elaine's past.
Sitting face-to-face with the godly man who was preparing her for marriage, Elaine said, "Pastor, I'm afraid I will become like my father, who was cruel and corrupt."
Fighting tears, she added, "I don't want to be called the 'daughter of evil.'"
The horror in Elaine's eyes and the pain in her trembling voice alarmed the pastor. In a calm voice the pastor said, "Elaine, would you please hand me your Bible?"
She obediently handed him her new Bible. He opened it to the first chapter of John and handed it back to Elaine, asking her to read aloud John 1:12–13. Elaine read, "'Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God--children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.'"
Tears slid down Elaine's face as she trembled with relief. "Does that include me?" she asked.
"Yes, Elaine," said the pastor. "The moment you accepted Jesus as your Savior, you became a permanent member of God's family. You are no longer the same person--you are not a 'daughter of evil,' but a daughter of God."
Elaine's pastor marked John 1:12–13 and encouraged her to read it over and over again. "Elaine, every time you have any doubt about who you are today, please open your Bible and read these Scriptures aloud," he said.
This experience changed Elaine's life. She began to see herself as God sees her, not as she viewed herself as a child, and not as others saw her.
"Each time Satan would try to tell me I was doomed for hell because of my biological father," says Elaine, "I would read the marked Scripture aloud.
"Today I know that my real father is Abba, the God who adopted me early in my childhood and who made me a part of his family forever. I can still see the statue of Jesus in my mind--the man in the flowing robes, the one with the outstretched arms. He held me when my life was the blackest, and his peace flowed into me when I most needed it. Indeed, I am born of God."
And so are we. Yes, regardless of what others have said about us, regardless of what images Satan tries to put in our minds, we are daughters of Christ. The instant we accepted Christ as our Savior, we were born of God, and through his authority our identities are changed eternally.
Discarding our false identities
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self" (Ephesians 4:22a). In other words, every day we must consciously remind ourselves that our past identities are just that--history.
Today Elaine starts her day by putting on her new nature with a simple prayer. "God, I thank you for removing the pains of my childhood. I acknowledge that I am no longer the 'daughter of evil,' tormented by the violence of my father. Help me to live this day as your daughter, free from the lies of Satan. In Jesus' name, amen."
Now, like throwing old clothes away, Elaine hurls the false identities of her childhood into yesterday's trash. Aware of the Evil One's dark and twisted strategy to destroy her life, Elaine holds on to the truth she savored in John 1:12–13--born of God.
Like Elaine, when we hear "stupid, worthless, shameful, sinful, unworthy, rejected, evil, unwanted," let's remember that these words are garbage and they stink if not disposed of immediately.
Understanding our new identities
God is speaking to us--we have new identities. Through faith and belief in Christ we're born of God and have been declared daughters of Christ. We're fully adopted with all the benefits of new identities.
Through God's mercy and grace we can feel free to call him "Abba, Father," which means "Daddy." We can also expect to share in the inheritance of his only son, Jesus. We are heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ in the Kingdom of God. As believers, our identities are changed forever.
We must understand our new identities because identity precedes and affects behavior, attitudes, emotions, and values. What we do flows from who we perceive ourselves to be.
Someone once said, "Don't try to get in touch with your feelings; get in touch with truth, and your feelings will change." The truth about who we are and how God sees us can be found in the Bible.
When we first came into this world as babies from our biological mother's womb, we were born of physical bodies into a family. For some, living with our families on earth brought us joy. For others, living with our families brought us pain and anguish, which we must surrender to God. In his infinite wisdom, God designed earthly families to be temporary, giving us the opportunity to become a permanent member of his eternal family.
When we accept Jesus as our Savior, we experience rebirth; simultaneously, we receive the Holy Spirit. When we become Christians, the Holy Spirit comes to live in us, making his temple in our bodies.
A mirror won't reflect the change, but as the Holy Spirit transforms our identities into that of Christ's, we will, over time, see evidence in our lifestyles. We will see patience, gentleness, kindness, love. They become a natural part of our life--our entire spiritual selves will daily become more like Christ. Neil Anderson writes, "As believers, we are not trying to become saints; we are saints who are becoming like Christ."
We become new and vastly improved--we have the Spirit of God living within us. We are now children of God himself. Did you get that? Let's say it again--we are children of God!
What blessings we have inherited. We have been transformed and become someone who didn't exist before. Let's remember that who we are determines what we do.
"I don't watch Leave It to Beaver anymore," says Elaine. "I don't need to--I have a better family. I'm no longer the daughter of a gangster; I'm a daughter of Christ.
"As a child growing up, I often wondered why me? Why did my childhood have to be filled with violence? Why did I have to fear for my life at the hands of my own father? Why didn't I have loving parents?
"For years I didn't talk about my past with others. I feared if I talked about my father's criminal activity, the circumstances of his death, the violence I endured as a child, then it meant I hadn't changed. And I feared people would reject me.
"Initially I shared my story with a select few who were experiencing similar pain. Then my pastor asked me to be a volunteer lay counselor and Bible study shepherd within our church to a new group of older teen girls and young adult women. The old me wanted to say no, and run. But I agreed to sit in and observe a few sessions before making a commitment.
"The casual setting created a non-threatening, comfortable environment. We all wore jeans and sat on the floor with our Bibles and notebooks. The younger women checked me out, from the shoes on my feet to the creases in my face. They don't trust me, I thought. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here.
"After the meeting had begun, I noticed a young man enter the room and tap the lady to my left on the shoulder. I watched as she cried, gathered her things, and stood up to leave the room.
"Being a reserved person, I tried to ignore the feelings that stirred in me. But I found myself following this woman out of the room, asking her if I could help. I froze when Anna replied, 'I have to leave. My dad broke a beer bottle over my mother's nose.' Oh, the numerous times I left events because my dad had injured my mom. Yes, Lord, I think you placed me here for these girls.
"'You don't know what it's like to live like me,' Anna sobbed.
"'Yes, Anna, I do know what it's like,' I said.
"These women live the life I lived, experiencing physical and emotional abuse while others daily violate their safety and security. They eagerly listen now while I tell them how my hope in Jesus transformed me, a perceived daughter of evil, in spite of my tragic childhood. I now counsel others one-on-one, as well as in group settings, while helping them overcome healing hurdles.
"Why me? I'm humbled to think the Lord can use me to serve him and help others. I believe the Lord has given my life a new purpose by allowing me to be a part of this ministry, sharing his hope with those who walk the same steps I walked over thirty years ago.
"I'm still married to the man I married more than twenty-five years ago; his faith and spiritual maturity continue to inspire me. We have a grown son and a daughter-in-law. Now that I am healed, I feel called to do for others what the Lord has done for me. To this I say, 'Yes, Lord!'"
Have you been or are you currently suffering from abuse? Do you have feelings of anger, rage, bitterness and unforgiveness welling up in your heart? If so, know that in Christ, healing is possible. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan. Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to empower you with His Spirit:
Dear Father, I need you. I thank you that You have forgiven my sins through Christ's death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Excerpted from pp. 19-21, 87-93, 132-134 from:
Set Free: God's Healing Power for Abuse Survivors and Those Who Love Them by Jan Coates. To order your copy, click here.
Copyright © 2005; ISBN 0764200402
Published by Bethany House Publishers
Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.
