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Print Bigger Than All My Fears
by Mary Hagstrom
I had the career of my dreams and then I met the man of my dreams. We were married during his semester break from university. At the time we were only 25 and 29 and we planned to enjoy our "childless" time as we worked and saved for a down payment on a house. We were in honeymoon bliss as we worked, saved up and enjoyed each other's company. Soon we decided that we had enough money for a house and the time was right to have a family. We got pregnant right away and began our search for a home.
However, we were not as successful finding a house as we had hoped. The housing market was skyrocketing and everything decent seemed to be just a little out of our price range. Then three months into the pregnancy I had a miscarriage - that certainly wasn't in our five-year plan! The doctor gave us the go-ahead to try to conceive again. Soon I was pregnant.
We were involved in a young marrieds' group at our church and met one of the husbands there who was an engineer for an ultrasound company. They had a new machine out and asked if we would like to have a test done. We thought it would be interesting, so I called my doctor for his OK and made the appointment.
Apparently, my friend noticed a spinal defect that needed some follow-up. I made an appointment with my doctor and when we heard the words, "Get dressed and come into my office," the thought that went through my mind was, "If we don't go into the office, then perhaps we could avoid the bad news." In the middle of all of this, we bought a house and my father died of a sudden heart attack. We made the four-hour trip to comfort my mother and the rest of the family. I had to grieve the loss of the dream of my dad being a support to me during the arrival of our sick baby.
Our dearest treasure
The doctor gave us a diagnosis of something we couldn't even pronounce. Weekly appointments with a specialist were regular routine for the remaining three months of my pregnancy. Doctor after doctor couldn't believe that symptoms didn't appear earlier in my pregnancy.
Each day was filled with choosing not to let fear overwhelm us. At 35 weeks I experienced some labor pains and at a routine doctor's appointment I was informed that the baby was on its way. An emergency C-section was going to take place without the doctor's knowledge of what kind of care this baby might need once delivered.
Brian James Hagstrom was born at 35 weeks - weighing 6lbs, 9ozs. I remember praying throughout my pregnancy and during the delivery that God would choose to heal Brian inside my womb. I looked forward to sharing the testimony of his healing with the world. What a miracle that would be! But it was not meant to be. In fact, there was more that was wrong than anyone had anticipated.
Brian was whisked off by nurses and doctors while my husband and I were placed in a room awaiting the news of his life. The next day, a genetics counselor came to first tell us that it was not our fault. The chances of something like this happening are 1 in 250,000, and usually the child does not live past 28 weeks in the womb. We were told that he had OEIS complex, which meant that there were defects in his abdominal wall, spine and bladder. Our heads were just spinning, and of course the question that we were afraid to ask was "Is he going to die?"
All they could tell us was that they had never seen anyone who survived past 28 weeks so all we could do was wait and see. The following weeks and months were filled with one surgery after another, sewing his intestines back together, putting his bladder back in, giving him a colostomy, realigning his hips and more.
We had him home in between each surgery, and 17 months later Brian died in his sleep when on holidays. We were not prepared for this. Everything was going so well. We expected him to die at birth or on the operating table, but not while on holidays. We had an eight-hour drive home to talk about what we believed and whether we really believed that Brian was in heaven. We always believed in heaven and now we knew our dearest treasure was there.
Taking a step of faith
Our church family surrounded us with love and care, in prayer and in many practical ways. The next hurdle was trusting God enough to get pregnant again. Part of me wanted to protect myself from hurting like that again. However, in my heart of hearts I knew I would live with regret if I tried to protect myself that way.
My husband said in his always-cheerful voice, "Let's have another." But there was just too much emotion for me and I told him that I needed to wrestle with God on this one for a bit. Two months later we discovered we were pregnant again. I knew it would be the scariest thing I ever did but I also knew God was bigger than all of my fears. If I allowed Him to carry me through it, He would.
There were some scary times throughout the pregnancy and delivery of my son Neil just eleven months after Brian's death, and my daughter Melissa two years after that, but God was there. I didn't have all the answers to my numerous questions but I have learned that I don't need all of the answers to get on with life. That is what faith is all about - trusting in what you don't see or feel.
I learned about faith at the age of 17 when a friend invited me to church. The minister there talked about Jesus and the difference He could have in my life. I thought being a good person and believing in God was enough. But this was the first time that I heard that knowing Jesus in a personal way and placing my faith in Him was all that was needed. I realized that if I was going to figure out what life was about, I had to know the Creator Himself.
From that moment on, knowing that God was with me, I had hope for my future. When I think back, knowing that we had only planned to have two children, I look at the face of my third-born child and think that I probably wouldn't have had her if Brian had lived. God's ways are not our ways. Choosing to trust Him in all things gives me hope for my future and peace each day. Oh yes, we still make plans for our future, but I try to leave it open for God to rearrange it whenever he sees fit.
Only with God's help can a person survive the death of a child and continue to live an abundant life. My husband and I know that we can go through anything together. We have the promise of knowing that our family will be together one day in heaven, and Neil and Melissa know that their big brother is waiting to play with them. What amazing hope!
It's difficult to understand some of the circumstances that come our way. But no matter what happens, God promises us that we can have peace through Him. He says to us in His word that "all things work together for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). God's purpose for us is to know Him personally through His Son Jesus Christ.
Are you going through more than you feel you can handle? Are you being crushed under the weight of your problems? It doesn't have to be that way. No matter what the circumstance, you can have an abundant life - peace, joy and contentment as God brings about His own character within you. The first step is making sure that Christ is really on the driver's seat of your life and that you are allowing His Spirit to fill you and empower you.
Pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit.
Dear Father, I need You. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ's death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
