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by Michele HoweAfter 15 years of friendship, the familiar camaraderie between me and Lara was back. And while Lara's life had taken some different turns in the past several years, we regrouped and our friendship was stronger than ever. I was confident we would never allow distance, busyness or any other constraint to pull us apart again.
Then without warning our friendship took a drastic turn for the worse. Calls were less frequent, no visits were planned and finally, an obvious distance became evident whenever we spoke. I thought perhaps I was imagining this change until Lara verbally lashed out at me during one phone conversation.
Yet even after that painful phone call, I still hung on to our former friendship. I was wary and hurt, but I couldn't believe a friendship as solid as ours was over. I tried to figure out why this was happening. We hadn't quarreled. Finally, I came to the conclusion that she was stressed beyond her limit and her change in attitude was evidencing this.
But isn't it true that friends turn to each other in times of trouble? As I was discovering, not always. After several more subtle and not-so-subtle rebuffs from Lara, I finally accepted I could not expect anything from her now. I wondered if I could even be a friend to Lara when I was never sure if she would even be "friendly" to me.
But in the back of my mind, I kept asking myself, "What's a friend for?" A real friend would love in both the good times as well as the bad.
Then I read 1 Peter 3:8, "To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead..."
After reading and re-reading this section of Scripture, I knew I had to release my expectations. I could not expect my friend to nurture our relationship now. Maybe later. But for me, right now, it had to be a conscious decision to love her. Then the healing process began for me and I did not have to be troubled over what had transpired between us.
As in every area of life, we have to remain certain that God is sovereign--no matter how painful the circumstances. In my relationship with Lara, I often remind myself that God allowed this friendship to take the turns it has taken. My job is to meet the challenge and turn a disagreeable series of events into something which will bring God glory.
I've also learned that it helped to simply understand why I'd been rejected. As I searched out reasons for changes in Lara's behavior, I discovered there were many likely explanations. And surprisingly, they were everyday experiences. No tragedies, no unexpected deaths or unwanted divorce, nothing you would expect to drastically alter a person's behavior. What Lara was facing were family pressures, financial concerns, vocational changes, ill health, adjustment to a new baby, schooling decisions and heavy church responsibilities.
Listed below are suggestions to try the next time you're experiencing the backlash of a friend's unkind words or deeds.
- Help out in practical ways. Ask if you can do the shopping, run some errands, help with the yard work, drop off a meal or baby-sit.
- Continue to meet her emotional needs if she allows it. Keep sending special cards and make frequent but short phone calls. As much as possible, keep the tone of your friendship the same as before.
- Listen and make yourself available to just be there for her. Open your heart and your ears to what your friend may be trying to tell you. Perhaps you are the only person in her life she trusts enough to be "real" with.
- Focus on unconditional acceptance. Recall Christ's lavish embrace of us even when we were yet sinners. With Christ as our example, through His grace we can love our friend even when she is most unlovable.
- Above all, pray for your friend. There is no greater act of love than to consistently bring a friend before the altar of God and plead for her well-being.
Friendships are a journey. Sometimes the road is smooth, but often the road is peppered with bumps and detours loom in front of our eyes. Before plunging ahead in an attempt to make a painful circumstance right, take some time to consider, to re-evaluate, to pray. Determine to develop realistic expectations of your friend. Then trust God to meet your needs.
~ Michele Howe is a freelance writer living in LaSalle, MI with her family. She has published over 500 articles and is a reviewer for Publishers Weekly and CBA Marketplace. Michele has also authored two books, Going It Alone: Meeting the Challenges of Being a Single Mom (available here) and Bible Stories, Food and Fun.
