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by Diane Moore
What do you ask your kids after they’ve been to a church or school event? Most often, parents say they ask - “Did you have fun?” What’s wrong with that?
Ask yourself - what if we changed the question from “Did you have fun?” to “Did you get jellybeans?” So that every time our kids came home from an event we immediately greeted them with the question, “Did you get jellybeans?” How would they begin to think about future events before they went out the door? What conclusion would they draw regarding the purpose of events? It would not be long until they drew the conclusion - The purpose of events is to get JELLYBEANS!
What message are we sending?
Likewise, when we continually ask “Did you have fun?” we communicate to kids a subtle but powerful message that it’s all about fun!
Truthfully, I like fun. In fact, I am sanguine to the bone! However, there is a grave danger in communicating the ‘It’s all about fun” message to our kids. The danger is . . . the most important things in life – are not “fun” - especially at first. Studying God’s word, saying “no” to yourself in the midst of temptation, showing respect for those responsible for you; these are not “fun” laden activities or disciplines – but parents usually highly desire such behavior in the lives of their children. So, how does a parent communicate such a different perspective in a culture that values and promotes fun as its highest goal?
One easy way to begin is to stop saying, “Did you have fun?” after every event! If you think about it, “Did you have fun?” is a closed question. It can be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No” . . . Which is not a good way to encourage conversation with your children – especially if they are teenagers.
So, what should a parent to ask instead?
A good solution would be to ask questions that reflect what you value. For example, after a Sunday school or youth meeting you could ask, “What did you learn?” Many youth pastors painfully struggle under the pressure students (and sometimes even parents) put on them to make every activity “fun”. They did not go to Bible school or college to learn how to be an event planner but many find far more of their time is consumed in the manufacture of fun than doing what they were called by God to do: encourage spiritual maturity in youth.
After a social event you could ask, “Who was there? How are they doing? Was there anyone new? Did you meet them?”
All events ideally should have purpose, even social events. If parents understand the desired purpose of the events and let that be reflected in their conversations with their children, the programs will likely end up being much more successful.
Happiness versus joy
Purpose is a very important factor in the life of a young person. While we may say we want our children to have fun, what we really want is for them to have joy. Purpose is an essential factor for joy. Happiness comes and goes as what we want to happen happens to happen, but joy is constant through good times and bad because it is hooked to a greater purpose. James 1:2-4 says we can even be joyful in our trials because of the fruit it produces in our lives.
Don’t mistakenly think your child is not interested in purpose. Every human being is designed to need purpose. I have had a lot of parents ask me, “What do I do if my child doesn’t like church? Should I make them go?” If the child is sensitive to God at all, I encourage the parent to hook into the child’s need for purpose. Why do you think God put you in this town . . . at this church? What do you think He wants you to do here? Some kids like to get involved up front as much as possible. Some kids find their purpose in something less noticeable but still important.
When my daughter was a freshman in high school she melted into the background in our large youth group. She didn’t like going and begged for us to find an alternative for her. When we asked her why she didn’t want to go it was because she felt “invisible” in such a large crowd. We encouraged her to look around and see if she could find other lost people standing around the edge of the room, people who perhaps felt the same way she did. She was surprised to find there were lots of people melted against the wall and found great purpose in finding the “invisibles” and being friendly to them.
There are so many good reasons to drop the “Did you have fun?” question. But the best reasons have to do with what questions you ask instead, questions that communicate what you value and what purpose was fulfilled.
This last winter my daughter assisted me at almost every high school parent seminar I taught. I can’t tell you how many times I turned to her afterwards and asked “Did you have fun?” . . . and I had just taught the parents not to ask that! My daughter learned to respectfully say, “Excuse me . . . ?” If you find yourself struggling to eradicate the question from your lips, you might want to bring your kids on board, tell them what you want to do and why. I’m sure they’ll be glad to help. It’ll be fun!
~ Diane Moore is the director of Healthy Family International, a counselor, and a certified family life educator. She teaches Parenting the Heart of Your Child principles in parenting conferences. This article was adapted from her new book, Parenting the Heart of Your Child. Copyright © 2005 Bethany House Publishers. All rights reserved.
